EXCLUSIVE Photo of Paul Ryan in His New DC-Area Home

Ken Cuccinelli Has Rewrite Notes

Acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services Ken Cuccinelli has developed a penchant for rewriting the words on America's national monuments. In an attempt to defend the Trump administration's move to deny green cards to immigrants who are likely to use government benefits like housing subsidues or food stamps, Cuccinelli suggested changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

to

"Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet and who will not become a public charge."

Stirring words indeed. But Cuccinelli did not stop at Lady Liberty. Unaired in the NPR interview were his recommendations for other symbols of our great nation.

Cuccinelli's proposed engraving of the Jefferson Memorial's interior:

"Almighty God hath created the mind free. For everything else, bring cash."

At Gettysburg National Military Park:

"None of the men who fought here was on Medicaid."

A re-imagining of the carved inscriptions inside the Lincoln Memorial: 

"Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job."

And, of course, the new welcome message at the Ellis Island Immigration Museum:

"You are not welcome here."

What Kind of Country Elects a TV Celebrity?

Ukraine held the first round of its presidential election on Sunday. President Petro Poroshenko came in second. Third place went to former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. The winner was comedian/actor Volodymyr Zelensky. Much of the world seems put off. Here in the United States, we're impressed that a country's television-star-turned-President can be one with talent.

Zelensky is the star of the sitcom "Servant of the People," in which he plays a history teacher who accidentally becomes President of Ukraine. Lest you think this kind of life-imitating-art is
unprecedented in politics, don't forget that Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) starred in a series of MySpace.com videos filmed in his basement in which he played a loud, unkempt asshole who accidentally becomes a United States Congressman.

President Poroshenko is rather annoyed about the huge amount of free exposure Zelensky has received during the campaign. One of Zelensky's closest associates is Ihor Kolomoisky who owns 1+1, the channel that airs "Servant of the People." The network has been airing a considerable amount of Zelensky material, including the third series of the sitcom and a song-and-dance special right before the election.

Television saturation of this type during an election should worry Americans. If this trend continues, January 20, 2021, will see the United States inaugurate President Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

While Poroshenko, Tymoshenko, and the other 40 candidates won votes in specific bits of the country, Zelensky garnered votes throughout the nation. He is especially popular with those fed up with systemic corruption and dysfunction. A TV star promising to clean up the capital? That's going great in the USA. What's Ukrainian for "drain the swamp"? (Google translate says "zlyyte boloto" and it wrong never is.)

After the April 21st runoff, Ukraine could have a 41-year-old actor with absolutely no experience as President, or, as Vladimir Putin pronounces it, "breakfast."

Ted Cruz on Behalf of Ted Cruz

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is suing the Federal Election Commission because rich dudes running for office should't have to sacrifice a damn thing in pursuit of power.

Cruz is suing over the bit of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act which states that if a candidate makes a big showy deal out of giving his own personal money to his campaign, it shouldn't actually cost him any of his own personal money.

The Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (BCRA for short)(B for even shorter) imposes a $250,000 cap on post-election fundraising to reimburse the candidate for personal cash or loans given to the campaign. Cruz gave his 2018 Senate campaign against Beto O'Rourke $260,000. That's a difference, as Donald Trump's doctors will tell you, of 239 lbs.

Cruz's lawsuit argues the reimbursement limit violates the Constitution, screeching, "The First Amendment commands that 'Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech.'" Because spending money is a form of speech. Or, as Republican political theorists put it, "My Mercedes is louder than your Toyota Yaris."

To Cruz's credit, his contention that money equals speech is consistent. I once asked the Senator how he was doing and he responded by throwing a twenty in my face. I think that meant, "I'm good, thank you!"

This lawsuit is an important moment is American legal history. For once, someone is standing up for the big guy. For too long, the upper classes of our great nation have had their voices ignored. Ted Cruz says "ENOUGH! All U.S. citizens deserve a voice, whether they be rich, wealthy, affluent, or merely loaded."

I beg the courts to allow Senator Cruz to have his $10,000 back. He needs it to buy soup. And accidental porn.

And stamps.

Presidential Campaign As Literature

Presidential candidate and South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg gave an interview in which he compared running for president to James Joyce's Ulysses:

You're a big James Joyce buff. Is running for president more like Ulysses or  Finnegans Wake? 

Definitely more like Ulysses than it is like Portrait. Finnegans Wake is dream speak. Ulysses is consciousness meeting reality. But here's why I think Ulysses is extremely relevant. People believe Ulysses is this complex, difficult, inscrutable text full of references. And it is a difficult text, but its subject matter couldn't be more democratic. It's about a guy going about his day for one day. That's the plot of Ulysses. And, to me, that's what makes it very touching. You're in this guy's head, and you're kind of seeing life through his eyes, and at the end through his wife's eyes.

I'm so sick of these candidates pandering to the basest cultural instincts of American voters. You think we're too stupid to understand truly intellectual literary references? Enough. As a candidate for president myself, I want to end this brain-shaming, for I am not afraid to talk up to my fellow citizens. When Esquire chooses to interview me:

If one must compare a presidential campaign to civilization's finest written works, I suggest it is more Behind the Bell by Dustin Diamond than Snooki's A Shore Thing. Snooki's description of a co-star farting is an apt metaphor for debating Joe Biden, but a true understanding of seeking office is best summed up in Diamond's description of Tiffani Amber-Thiessen: "'Saved By the Bell''s set whore and Hollywood's pass-around girl."

And everyone is so impressed that Buttigieg learned Norwegian so he could enjoy an author whose works hadn't been translated into English. Big deal. I read William Shatner's Live Long and...:What I Learned Along the Way and no one cares that I taught myself Canadian to do it.

TSA Problems

The government shutdown is leading to chaos and long lines at America's airports. One overworked and not-at-all paid TSA agent comes up with a solution.

https://youtu.be/uT_hEgkTZfA