tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88799852024-03-14T07:22:05.495-07:00Mike Bauman Is PrettyComedy, Current Events, and Ridiculousness.Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-50194442782569415162019-08-20T08:23:00.000-07:002019-08-20T10:23:49.225-07:00EXCLUSIVE Photo of Paul Ryan in His New DC-Area Home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1prE1HtmFtUKn7L66KO7_AGjxMxwV446ACxYKqN1r3RF8wq6uMs_K505endjtRy-BfjS0Bmq07AdUQRSkniueYRjXlM72TsmvpjyyR-zihsoejlR3MonXEgBBWDDbu99dIALeSQ/s1600/White+Bread.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1prE1HtmFtUKn7L66KO7_AGjxMxwV446ACxYKqN1r3RF8wq6uMs_K505endjtRy-BfjS0Bmq07AdUQRSkniueYRjXlM72TsmvpjyyR-zihsoejlR3MonXEgBBWDDbu99dIALeSQ/s320/White+Bread.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-71972405886397892452019-08-13T12:02:00.001-07:002019-08-13T13:54:45.930-07:00Ken Cuccinelli Has Rewrite Notes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVTASfq59fP4vQ-7K6bNdv4yqPUz3_DYhig8ZsRNTEmb9tfHqgVXYULVz4WaILeLDsxEYDrFyeQdfAiEkqymVjvOeL2o0_q98m_e5EkZB0zAfde7mU-XxFKpW6TN3xYuvR6reWxQ/s1600/Statue+of+Liberty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1195" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVTASfq59fP4vQ-7K6bNdv4yqPUz3_DYhig8ZsRNTEmb9tfHqgVXYULVz4WaILeLDsxEYDrFyeQdfAiEkqymVjvOeL2o0_q98m_e5EkZB0zAfde7mU-XxFKpW6TN3xYuvR6reWxQ/s320/Statue+of+Liberty.jpg" width="214" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services Ken Cuccinelli has developed a penchant for rewriting the words on America's national monuments. In an attempt to defend the Trump administration's <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/12/us/politics/trump-immigration-policy.html" target="_blank">move</a> to deny green cards to immigrants who are likely to use government benefits like housing subsidues or food stamps, Cuccinelli <a href="https://www.npr.org/2019/08/13/750726795/immigration-chief-give-me-your-tired-your-poor-who-can-stand-on-their-own-2-feet" target="_blank">suggested</a> changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">"Give me your tired, your poor,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">to</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">"Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet and who will not become a public charge."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Stirring words indeed. But Cuccinelli did not stop at Lady Liberty. Unaired in the NPR interview were his recommendations for other symbols of our great nation.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Cuccinelli's proposed engraving of the Jefferson Memorial's interior:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">"Almighty God hath created the mind free. For everything else, bring cash."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">At Gettysburg National Military Park:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">"None of the men who fought here was on Medicaid."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">A re-imagining of the carved inscriptions inside the Lincoln Memorial: </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">"Sha na na na - sha na na na na</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Sha na na na - sha na na na na</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Sha na na na - sha na na na na</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Sha na na na - sha na na na na</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Mum mum mum mum mum mum</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">Get a job."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">And, of course, the new welcome message at the Ellis Island Immigration Museum:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
"You are not welcome here."</span>Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-26804142299547695872019-04-03T16:50:00.000-07:002019-04-09T09:59:44.384-07:00What Kind of Country Elects a TV Celebrity?Ukraine held the <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/2019/04/01/europe/ukraine-election-first-round-intl/index.html" target="_blank">first round</a> of its presidential election on Sunday. President Petro Poroshenko came in second. Third place went to former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. The winner was comedian/actor Volodymyr Zelensky. Much of the world seems put off. Here in the United States, we're impressed that a country's television-star-turned-President can be one with talent.<br />
<br />
Zelensky is the star of the sitcom "Servant of the People," in which he plays a history teacher who accidentally becomes President of Ukraine. Lest you think this kind of life-imitating-art is <br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgoIu7KZhwFlGKq8ggMTDg5L8OlTCyS2kVRF2BGjdy4vel13NsnjskAdhE1NSDud8HKraxvPDhyMrSdcfhH1U5iFJbXy-NPKaoy_ebxhzZReNUivTTECTG6YyK43ucboLV5lM5Cg/s1600/Servant+of+the+people.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="597" data-original-width="426" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgoIu7KZhwFlGKq8ggMTDg5L8OlTCyS2kVRF2BGjdy4vel13NsnjskAdhE1NSDud8HKraxvPDhyMrSdcfhH1U5iFJbXy-NPKaoy_ebxhzZReNUivTTECTG6YyK43ucboLV5lM5Cg/s200/Servant+of+the+people.jpg" width="142" /></a>unprecedented in politics, don't forget that Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) starred in a series of MySpace.com videos filmed in his basement in which he played a loud, unkempt asshole who accidentally becomes a United States Congressman.<br />
<br />
President Poroshenko is rather annoyed about the huge amount of free exposure Zelensky has received during the campaign. One of Zelensky's closest associates is Ihor Kolomoisky who owns 1+1, the channel that airs "Servant of the People." The network has been airing a considerable amount of Zelensky material, including the third series of the sitcom and a song-and-dance special right before the election.<br />
<br />
Television saturation of this type during an election should worry Americans. If this trend continues, January 20, 2021, will see the United States inaugurate President Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.<br />
<br />
While Poroshenko, Tymoshenko, and the other 40 candidates won votes in specific bits of the country, Zelensky <a href="https://elections.dekoder.org/ukraine/en" target="_blank">garnered votes throughout</a> the nation. He is especially popular with those fed up with systemic corruption and dysfunction. A TV star promising to clean up the capital? That's <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2019/apr/03/trump-asks-journalists-to-look-into-the-oranges-of-the-mueller-investigation-video" target="_blank">going great</a> in the USA. What's Ukrainian for "drain the swamp"? (Google translate says "zlyyte boloto" and it wrong never is.)<br />
<br />
After the April 21st runoff, Ukraine could have a 41-year-old actor with absolutely no experience as President, or, as Vladimir Putin pronounces it, "breakfast."Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-42951718226488453512019-04-01T15:53:00.000-07:002019-04-01T15:53:47.258-07:00Ted Cruz on Behalf of Ted CruzSenator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is <a href="https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/436753-ted-cruz-suing-fec-over-reimbursements-for-personal-loans-to-campaign" target="_blank">suing</a> the Federal Election Commission because rich dudes running for office should't have to sacrifice a damn thing in pursuit of power.<br />
<br />
Cruz is suing over the bit of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act which states that if a candidate makes a big showy deal out of giving his own personal money to his campaign, it shouldn't actually cost him any of his own personal money.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikdLyMNw8ZU2rQF61GyZ66nqKdqThpOf61_YJ6t2kfifydDCVH-sItAvBv0reLdhZZMGf9tLmnAQ6DHwXD_VdDSGUYLVJd3Sfe7rBkNvZVA4K7y89j4Q9E3zvwgrK5rHqmWxsZpQ/s1600/OilMyBeardWithSoup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikdLyMNw8ZU2rQF61GyZ66nqKdqThpOf61_YJ6t2kfifydDCVH-sItAvBv0reLdhZZMGf9tLmnAQ6DHwXD_VdDSGUYLVJd3Sfe7rBkNvZVA4K7y89j4Q9E3zvwgrK5rHqmWxsZpQ/s200/OilMyBeardWithSoup.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
The Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (BCRA for short)(B for even shorter) imposes a $250,000 cap on post-election fundraising to reimburse the candidate for personal cash or loans given to the campaign. Cruz gave his 2018 Senate campaign against Beto O'Rourke $260,000. That's a difference, as Donald Trump's doctors will tell you, of 239 lbs.<br />
<br />
Cruz's lawsuit argues the reimbursement limit violates the Constitution, screeching, "The First Amendment commands that 'Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech.'" Because spending money is a form of speech. Or, as Republican political theorists put it, "My Mercedes is louder than your Toyota Yaris."<br />
<br />
To Cruz's credit, his contention that money equals speech is consistent. I once asked the Senator how he was doing and he responded by throwing a twenty in my face. I think that meant, "I'm good, thank you!"<br />
<br />
This lawsuit is an important moment is American legal history. For once, someone is standing up for the big guy. For too long, the upper classes of our great nation have had their voices ignored. Ted Cruz says "ENOUGH! All U.S. citizens deserve a voice, whether they be rich, wealthy, affluent, or merely loaded."<br />
<br />
I beg the courts to allow Senator Cruz to have his $10,000 back. He needs it to buy <a href="https://www.foodandwine.com/blogs/ted-cruzs-love-soup-apparently-knows-no-bounds" target="_blank">soup</a>. And <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/sep/12/ted-cruz-twitter-account-likes-pornographic-tweet" target="_blank">accidental porn</a>.<br />
<br />
And <a href="https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Zodiac_Killer_letters" target="_blank">stamps</a>.Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-49573614874669896902019-03-20T16:35:00.000-07:002019-03-20T16:38:28.100-07:00Presidential Campaign As LiteraturePresidential candidate and South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg gave an <a href="https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a26861236/peter-buttigieg-interview/" target="_blank">interview</a> in which he compared running for president to James Joyce's <i>Ulysses:</i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA_vJ3Jx_rKXLDyNRo30g0z3oB2zvP0rtfrS7dZ5TIWK6j9x9ptfNDfgED30_4Uu-3-HOMh9oq2lGpozDcM32DNlqLgAVJmsEPSjqCgstjrhItE9_TO6dfChQ7MJyh2zuBAt8zHw/s1600/pete-buttigieg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1437" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA_vJ3Jx_rKXLDyNRo30g0z3oB2zvP0rtfrS7dZ5TIWK6j9x9ptfNDfgED30_4Uu-3-HOMh9oq2lGpozDcM32DNlqLgAVJmsEPSjqCgstjrhItE9_TO6dfChQ7MJyh2zuBAt8zHw/s200/pete-buttigieg.jpg" width="179" /></a></div>
<i><br /></i>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>You're a big James Joyce buff. Is running for president more like <i>Ulysses</i> or <i> Finnegans Wake</i>?</b> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Definitely more like <i>Ulysses</i> than it is like <i>Portrait</i>. <i>Finnegans Wake</i> is dream speak. <i>Ulysses</i> is consciousness meeting reality. But here's why I think <i>Ulysses</i> is extremely relevant. People believe <i>Ulysses</i> is this complex, difficult, inscrutable text full of references. And it is a difficult text, but its subject matter couldn't be more democratic. It's about a guy going about his day for one day. That's the plot of <i>Ulysses</i>. And, to me, that's what makes it very touching. You're in this guy's head, and you're kind of seeing life through his eyes, and at the end through his wife's eyes.</blockquote>
<br />
I'm so sick of these candidates pandering to the basest cultural instincts of American voters. You think we're too stupid to understand truly intellectual literary references? Enough. As a candidate for president myself, I want to end this brain-shaming, for I am not afraid to talk <i>up</i> to my fellow citizens. When Esquire chooses to interview me:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If one must compare a presidential campaign to civilization's finest written works, I suggest it is more <i>Behind the Bell</i> by Dustin Diamond than Snooki's <i>A Shore Thing</i>. Snooki's description of a co-star farting is an apt metaphor for debating Joe Biden, but a true understanding of seeking office is best summed up in Diamond's description of Tiffani Amber-Thiessen: "'Saved By the Bell''s set whore and Hollywood's pass-around girl."</blockquote>
<br />
And everyone is so impressed that Buttigieg learned Norwegian so he could enjoy an author whose works hadn't been translated into English. Big deal. I read William Shatner's <i>Live Long and...:What I Learned Along the Way</i> and no one cares that I taught myself Canadian to do it.Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-53786378515285810372019-01-14T17:19:00.001-08:002019-01-14T17:19:16.796-08:00TSA Problems<span style="background-color: white; color: #0a0a0a; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The government shutdown is leading to chaos and long lines at America's airports. One overworked and not-at-all paid TSA agent comes up with a solution.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #0a0a0a; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #0a0a0a; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://youtu.be/uT_hEgkTZfA" target="_blank">https://youtu.be/uT_hEgkTZfA</a></span>Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-80718501083537285872015-07-16T17:10:00.000-07:002015-07-26T21:03:33.244-07:00In Defense of Jeb Bush: A Letter from an American Factory Worker, 1884<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA3o2HvlffApVR8pF_wMpbS630L5bmv0vP6TcDawS0mlCHN1MDkyijEbpqvcoplqXngeAMZlYM-_fZy4v2JFcF008GAaXFfcGibJysF5mv1vsDYqJyZ46HwP8SZcTaKC53qtZvRw/s1600/Jeb+Bush%2527s+dream.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA3o2HvlffApVR8pF_wMpbS630L5bmv0vP6TcDawS0mlCHN1MDkyijEbpqvcoplqXngeAMZlYM-_fZy4v2JFcF008GAaXFfcGibJysF5mv1vsDYqJyZ46HwP8SZcTaKC53qtZvRw/s400/Jeb+Bush%2527s+dream.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello, my name is Joseph. There is no greater joy than to be
an American in this, the year of our Lord 1884. I have the immense pleasure to work
in one of George Pullman’s railroad car factories. What an honor! I am so lucky. This
is a profession professed by God himself. Excuse me for one moment, I really
need to pee.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you, Mr. Foreman, sir. I’m so glad you stopped me. Gee,
what was I thinking? I selfishly desired to relieve myself, therefore depriving
the great Pullman Palace Car Company of my labor. If I had not worked for the
90 seconds it would have taken me to empty my bladder, I could have cost Mr.
Pullman almost the equivalent of the value of one-eighth of one cigar. Who am I
to deprive that great man of almost the equivalent of the value of one-eighth
of one cigar? He is a titan of industry, a captain of capitalism, a linchpin of
the Gilded Age! I am but a lowly, insignificant factory machinist.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But does not the Declaration of Independence proclaim that
all men are created equal? I’m just pulling your leg. We do have a good laugh
on the line. Sorry, Mr. Foreman, sir. How right he would be to dock my pay for giggling. I
am so grateful that the few rich mercantile shepherds allow such a meager lamb
as myself to be a part of their industrial flock. How kind of Mr. Pullman to
allow me to toil in this magnificent factory.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, look. Harold’s had his arm sheared off. Luckily, he’s
been immediately replaced by a ten-year-old girl. At least that child won’t be
wasting her time receiving an education. How glorious it is to be disposable.
Worthless and disposable! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel guilty taking a paycheck and stealing money from the
family of the esteemed Mr. Pullman. These pangs of guilt keep me awake the six
hours a day I’m not at work. Do you realize that my monthly wage would pay for
almost an hour of Mr. Pullman’s eldest son’s Harvard education? What a terrible
feeling to know that every time I feed sawdust-laden oatmeal to my family, I am
depriving Master Pullman of the opportunity to skip class due to the
complications of prostitute-induced syphilis.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thank God every day that, although I do take a paycheck
each month, it is given to me not in United States currency but in company
scrip that can only be used at the company-owned store and to pay rent on our
company-owned housing in the city upon a hill that is our company-owned town of
<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Pullman#Pullman_company_town" target="_blank">Pullman, Illinois</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m so glad my ancestors came to this great nation so that I
may live the American dream. This dream will only become a nightmare if the
perfection of our system is destroyed by those lazy, evil unionizers who
would slap the hand of laissez-faire capitalism, forcing us common laborers
into a misguided and sinful life of ease. Can you imagine the 60 hour work
week? Such sloth!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If this sad tale comes to fruition, one can only hope that
some great man in the distant future, say in the year 2015, comes along to put things right, to
demand that we lessers should <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/jul/09/jeb-bush-says-americans-need-to-work-longer-hours-to-earn-more-for-their-families" target="_blank">work more hours</a> for our betters. Only then can
this land become great again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
May God bless America and may Mr. Pullman bless America!</div>
Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-62938542711022818492015-02-04T10:00:00.000-08:002015-02-04T20:06:40.166-08:00Thom Tillis Welcomes You to Pissburger<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUGs-jvTGWXT8GMPwnS4yCCqLWutUi5GstdT6HMXHuwzfVXkONOPVPTMt7763KJXAgLsu0rrrsu0Gzwbd5w35aM8UcJo74Lqfq167JGFzm9vjFX1TZCo9V_KJ8lvA7ppuNqDzjuQ/s1600/Thom+Tillis+for+Pissburger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUGs-jvTGWXT8GMPwnS4yCCqLWutUi5GstdT6HMXHuwzfVXkONOPVPTMt7763KJXAgLsu0rrrsu0Gzwbd5w35aM8UcJo74Lqfq167JGFzm9vjFX1TZCo9V_KJ8lvA7ppuNqDzjuQ/s1600/Thom+Tillis+for+Pissburger.jpg" height="200" width="136" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi4qiGC6qvRdV-DktWBnoknq0oTg5sIZspkeLCuhwidoHfidy2wT5w_6dKBg490FU8Nf_bIAEvV_Y_-B1Ak1_A3q8c_eD8VWsN5BEmRwlMntara0Hzu7fe6LX5pfnzLnBOh_sqKA/s1600/double-ba-burger1-300x297.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi4qiGC6qvRdV-DktWBnoknq0oTg5sIZspkeLCuhwidoHfidy2wT5w_6dKBg490FU8Nf_bIAEvV_Y_-B1Ak1_A3q8c_eD8VWsN5BEmRwlMntara0Hzu7fe6LX5pfnzLnBOh_sqKA/s1600/double-ba-burger1-300x297.jpg" height="198" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
Hello, I'm North Carolina Senator Thom Tillis. Have you ever visited your local fast food establishment and thought, "This burger is good but, golly gee whiz, it's missing that certain flavor that can only come from being prepared under the most unhygienic of conditions"? Now you can push those uncontaminated thoughts aside thanks to my new restaurant Pissburger.<br />
<br />
At Pissburger, we believe that American businesses are being strangled by burdensome government regulations like the ridiculous rule that <a href="http://www.citizen-times.com/story/elections/2015/02/03/thom-tillis-restaurant-workers-wash-hands/22808143/" target="_blank">employees must wash their hands</a> after using the restroom. How dare Barack Hussein Obama and his jack-booted Washington thugs tell an American citizen how to run his business? Thomas Jefferson would be rolling over in his grave while enjoying one of our delicious burgers.<br />
<br />
A Pissburger patty is a juicy mixture of the finest ground chuck, a special blend of herbs and spices, and a substantial amount of urine and fecal matter, on a brioche bun, topped with lettuce, tomato, onion, and a substantial amount of urine and fecal matter.<br />
<br />
Everyone is talking about Pissburger! Let's hear from just a few of our customers:<br />
<ul>
<li>"I tried the deluxe pissburger with a side of sweet potato fries. You know the old saying - a moment on the lips, three straight days of vomiting and diarrhea."</li>
<li>"The peanut butter milkshake reminded me of licking a urinal and I know about licking urinals. I went to private school."</li>
<li>"Margaret Harden, 37, of Boone, North Carolina, entered into rest February 2, 2015, after a family dinner at Pissburger. A husband and two children survive her but are not at all well."</li>
</ul>
Come on down to Pissburger, the regulation-free eatery that made the Raleigh News and Observer's food critic exclaim, "Thank God for Obamacare!" That reminds me, I'm going to vote to repeal Obamacare like 57 times. Now, if you'll excuse me, I drank three pink lemonades while eating a spicy lamb Vindaloo. Time to make some signature Pissburger flavor.<br />
<br />
I'm Thom Tillis and I approve this substantial amount of urine and fecal matter. Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8879985.post-15208724814145619562011-01-05T10:33:00.000-08:002011-01-08T10:56:32.277-08:00The Muppet Show's New Congress Special<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Z4yDOFD5xR-2UL9NUGbsmpY0c8kIrqYrOkLO3Zu94sTJS2j-2MjvUlPrwvB8QzrolE-vyCFD9S-UN8VjEznQ5jIwML6gwOAbgZl62RjuvDSFX8I2VvqfCCxtOfxypqx9C07TFA/s1600/Muppet+Show+Opening.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Z4yDOFD5xR-2UL9NUGbsmpY0c8kIrqYrOkLO3Zu94sTJS2j-2MjvUlPrwvB8QzrolE-vyCFD9S-UN8VjEznQ5jIwML6gwOAbgZl62RjuvDSFX8I2VvqfCCxtOfxypqx9C07TFA/s1600/Muppet+Show+Opening.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FADE IN:</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">INT. - MUPPET SHOW GUEST DRESSING ROOM</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Close-up on the dressing room door. It opens. SCOOTER pokes his head in.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">SCOOTER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Barack Obama! Five minutes to air, Barack Obama!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">The camera pulls back to reveal BARACK OBAMA sitting at the make-up table.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Thank you, Scooter.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">SCOOTER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Don't screw up the show like you screwed up the election.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Scooter slams the door. Barack Obama looks into the camera.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Everyone's a critic!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">CUT TO the OPENING CREDITS.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">At the end of the credits, GONZO prepares to blow the final note on his trumpet. As the cue approaches, BILL CLINTON enters and pushes Gonzo out of the frame. Bill Clinton blows the final note on his sax. He looks into the camera and grins.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BILL CLINTON</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Where's that Miss Piggy at?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">CUT TO:</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">INT. - MUPPET THEATRE MAINSTAGE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT THE FROG enters.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Welcome to the Muppet Show's New Congress Special! Tonight's special guest is the 44</span><sup><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">th</span></sup><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"> President of the Untied States, Barack Obama!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Applause. Obama enters.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Thank you, Kermit. I'm delighted to be here.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">It's our pleasure, Mr. President. Are you almost ready for your big musical number?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">I sure am, Kermit. It's not often that I'm invited to perform. The last time I was asked to sing was by Chicago special prosecutor Pat Fitzgerald.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">The band should be just about set.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">JOHN BOEHNER and ERIC CANTOR enter.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Hold on! Hold on one second, please.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Speaker of the House John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Applause.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">We've decided to change the song.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">But I'm the producer.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">We're taking over. Eric and I have chosen a different song.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">ERIC CANTOR</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Here are the lyrics, Mr. President.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Cantor hands Obama a lyric sheet.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Mr. President, you don't have to do a different song if you don't want to.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Yes you do. We own your skinny ass now.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Cantor elbows Boehner.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">JOHN BOEHNER (cont'd)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">I mean, we kindly request that you perform our choice. We even have your costume prepared.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Well, ok, Mr. Speaker. I had my heart set on the original number, but compromising with Republicans is what my presidency is all about. I'm ready to go, Kermit.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Obama, Boehner, and Cantor exit.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Sure thing, Mr. President. (to camera) And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's President Barack Obama! Yay!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">The curtain opens. Obama is center stage, dressed as Adolf Hitler. He proceeds to sing the Beatles' "I</span><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">'m a Loser." Each verse ends with a recording of Nazis shouting "S</span><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">ieg Heil!" The song ends. The curtain closes. Applause.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">CUT TO:</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">INT. - STATLER AND WALDORF'S BOX</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">STATLER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">What state is he from?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">WALDORF</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Illinois.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">STATLER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">That makes sense.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">WALDORF</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Why?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">STATLER</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Because he's made me ill with his noise.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">They both laugh.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">CUT TO:</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">INT. - BACKSTAGE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Kermit stands at his desk. The musicians walk behind him.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Great job, guys. </span> </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE BEAR enters.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Hey Kermit, when do I get to meet the President?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">I don't know, Fozzie. He's a very busy man.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Aw, but I haven't been near a President since I hosted the Correspondents' Dinner in '78.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">And that's why you haven't been near a President since.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">But my jokes were funny.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">You called Rosalyn Carter a "s</span><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">loppy whore.”</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">MISS PIGGY pops out of her dressing room.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Uh-oh.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">MISS PIGGY</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Hey! Bear!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Look at the time! I gotta....</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">MISS PIGGY</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Freeze, furball! Did moi hear a bad word said of the great Rosalyn Carter? She led this country through a difficult time.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">But Piggy, she was First Lady. Her husband....</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Miss Piggy Karate-chops Kermit who falls to the floor.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">MISS PIGGY</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Behind every great man is a greater woman actually doing all the work.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Clinton's voice comes from Miss Piggy's dressing room.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BILL CLINTON (O.S.)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Hey, Miss Piggy. Why don't you get your swiney heiney back up here. I have a hankerin' for some pig-in-a-blanket.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">MISS PIGGY</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">I must fly. Au revoir!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Miss Piggy exits to her dressing room. Kermit looks dejected.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Pig-in-a-blanket?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">I know. She usually prefers toad-in-the-hole. Wakka wakka!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Kermit shoots him an angry look.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">FOZZIE (cont'd)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">It's a joke. I'm implying that you put your....</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">GONZO enters.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">GONZO</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">The stage is set for the next sketch, boss.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Thanks, Gonzo.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Kermit shoots Fozzie one more look as he exits.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">CUT TO:</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">INT. - MUPPET MAINSTAGE</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">KERMIT (to camera)</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you: a speech by the President of the United States. Yay!</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Kermit exits as the curtains open. We see Obama at a lectern. A seal is perched upon it.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Um, Gonzo?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Gonzo enters.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">GONZO</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Yes, Mr. President?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">What is this?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">GONZO</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">What is what, sir?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">This seal.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">GONZO</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Your press secretary said that any podium you speak from must have a seal on it. And Ellen here has never been on TV before.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">The seal gives off an adorable roar.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">No, not that kind of seal, Gonzo. A </span><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><i>Presidential</i></span><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;"> seal.</span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">GONZO</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Presidential, huh? Gee, Ellen's never been president. I don't even think she's registered to vote.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">BARACK OBAMA</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;">Let's pass on this whole thing.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Obama exits.</span><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;"> The seal makes an angry seal noise.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">GONZO</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Now, now, Ellen. That's just a rumor. He's produced a certificate of live birth.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">CUT TO:</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">INT. - BACKSTAGE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">A dejected Obama crosses past Boehner and Cantor.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">BARACK OBAMA</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Mr. Speaker, Mr. Majority Leader.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Mr. President.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">ERIC CANTOR</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Mr. President.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">He looked kid of sad. Should we go console him?</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">ERIC CANTOR</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Nah. What he needs is a good vacation. We'll send him on a nice long trip back to Illinois in January 2013.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Fozzie enters.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">FOZZIE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Aw! Did I miss the President again?</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">ERIC CANTOR</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I'm afraid so, Fozzie.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">FOZZIE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">At least I'm here with the two most powerful people in the House of Representatives. That's a treat!</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Thank you, Fozzie. No hard feelings?</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">FOZZIE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Hard feelings? What are you talking about?</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Our opposition to the repeal of “Don't Ask, Don't Tell.”</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">FOZZIE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Why would I have hard feelings about that?</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Oh, come on! Look at you. Look at that little hat and tie.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">ERIC CANTOR</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">In Virginia, we call that “queer markins.”</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">FOZZIE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">But I'm just a bear!</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Isn't that what furry homosexuals call themselves?</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">ERIC CANTOR</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I believe so.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Gonzo enters.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">FOZZIE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Hey, this one wants to marry a chicken!</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Former Senator RICK SANTORUM enters.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">RICK SANTORUM</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">See! I told you that would come next!</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">CUT TO:</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">INT. - MUPPET MAINSTAGE</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Kermit enters.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">KERMIT</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">That's it for our Muppet Show's New Congress Special. I'd like to thank our guests Barack Obama, John Boehner, and Eric Cantor. </span></span></span> </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Obama, Boehner, and Cantor enter.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Thank you, Kermit.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">ERIC CANTOR</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">It was a lot of fun.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Obama looks sheepishly at Boehner and Cantor.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">JOHN BOEHNER</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">You may speak.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">BARACK OBAMA</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I've enjoyed being on your show, Kermit.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">KERMIT</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">We'll see you next time for the Muppet Show's Michelle Bachmann Presidential Inauguration Special. Yay!</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The closing music starts. The other Muppets enter. Rick Santorum enters carrying a chicken. Bill Clinton enters and stands next to Gonzo.</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">BILL CLINTON</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">So, are you a chick or what?</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Credits. </span></span></span> </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-family: Courier New,monospace;"><span style="font-style: normal;">FADE OUT.</span></span></span></div>Mike Baumanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00718149425338227521noreply@blogger.com0