I Read Sarah Palin's Book and It Lowered My IQ So Much, I Can No Longer Tie My Own Shoes

Recently, I've had the pleasure to read Sarah Palin's Going Rogue: An American Life. Wow, what an incredible piece of shit. Having thoroughly ingested the former Governor's prose, I submit a few alternate titles for the book:

Though I'm One of You, I Sure Am More American Than You

Torpedoing Any Chance of Running in 2012

Grammar, My Enemy

I thought briefly about reviewing the steaming pile of...er, book, but it's such an unmitigated disaster that the best thing to do is to let it speak for itself. Here are a few excerpts:

"It was Senator John McCain, asking if I wanted to help him change history."

"I explained that no, it was because obviously we loved sports, and the baby was born during the spring track season."

"In those days, the word 'progressive' wasn't necessarily associated with liberalism, although that's what they meant by it. I took it in the more common sense spirit of 'progressing' our young city by providing the tools for the private sector to grow and prosper."

"A sales tax would be fairer and more optional."

"So in a nod to our Second Amendment, my friends Kristan and Cole and Judy Patrick threw me a baby shower at the Grouse Ridge shooting range...."

"Some people seem to think that a profit motive is inherently greedy and evil, and that what's good for business is bad for people. (That's what Karl Marx thought too.)"

"Every part of our campaign shouted 'Change!'"

"One animal rights group recruited a perky, pretty Hollywood celebrity to attack our scientifically controlled, state-managed wolf-control program. It was ironic that she opposed using guns to kill predators that would cause Native people to starve, but apparently not opposed to taking movie roles in which she'd use guns to kill predatory people."

"I even wondered out loud about why this big, strapping, nearly grown man who was overcome with pain couldn't even get a drink of water without parental consent, yet a thirteen-year-old girl could undergo a painful, invasive, and scary abortion and no parent even had to be notified."

"Combined with my age, she said, the sonogram pictures meant there was now a one-in-twelve chance the baby had Down syndrome. So? I thought. That still means about a 90 percent chance that everything's fine."

"Though I didn't tell Bristol this, I choke up all the time - at 'The Star-Spangled Banner,' at any military event, seeing new born babies...."

"Then we talked about gay marriage. That's when I told them about Tilly, my junior high friend and college roommate, who, after college, decided to openly live the lifestyle she chose with her partner."

"Granted, 90 percent of the newspeople covering the debate were liberal."

"They just couldn't believe that a politician would willingly give up power and title for good reasons."

"Elisabeth Hasselbeck had a theory."


That's enough, my eyes are bleeding and my soul is shrinking.

Post Election Day Analysis: Obama is Fucked

November 3, 2009 will forever be known as the day that ended the Obama presidency. Two - count 'em two - governorships switched from the Democrats to the Republicans. How can the President possibly think he can get anything accomplished now? Obama is fucked.

New Jersey Governor
Jon Corzine got beat up by a fat guy. Seriously, a fat guy won an election in the United States in 2009 - the most most superficial place at its most superficial time. When was the last time a fat dude won anything besides Survivor? Florida Governor Lawton Chiles died while exercising in the Governor's Mansion. So how did Chris Christie, a fat guy and a Republican, win a blue state? Voters rejected Obama's fascist socialism.

Virgina Governor
Bob McDonnell has won the Second War of Northern Aggression! McDonnell defeated Democrat Creigh Deeds with an impressive campaign based on the theme of "With a Name Like Creigh, He's Gotta Be Gay." One important difference was the two campaigns' tactics - while Deeds completely avoided divisive social issues, McDonnell was careful to completely avoid divisive social issues. In the race between two identically bland white guys, the voters went with the white guy who isn't friends with a black guy.

New York - 23
In New York's 23rd Congressional District, Democrat Bill Owens defeated Conservative Party nominee Doug Hoffman by a margin of 49 percent to 46 percent. You run against a dude from the Conservative Party and you can't even get a majority of the vote. That's like winning a fistfight against a Keebler Elf but still ending up in the hospital yourself. Come 2012, the President had better be careful if he has a challenger from the Silly Party.

New York City Mayor
The rich dude won. Advantage: Republicans.

Maine - Pothead At-large
A referendum to expand Maine's medical marijuana law won handily. However, voters decided to repeal the state's same-sex marriage law. Push. Smoke all the pot you want, but don't hold that joint like a sissy. This is Maine where men are men and so are the cranberries.

Wednesday Morning Quarterbacking
It's over, Obama. Nothing is possible now. How can you possibly believe you'll pass health care reform while there's a fat Republican running Trenton? Christie's election is not only a repudiation of Democrats, it's a repudiation of health. Who needs climate change legislation when all that liberal hot air has been pulled out of Richmond? Why bother with anything since the whole country will be run by the Conservative Party of New York within 8 years? You're fucked, Mr. President.

The Greatest Word Replacement Ever

From the Buffalo News:

Even after getting ticketed by the town's animal control officer, the man told Borek, "I'll be back with my dogs every night," followed by an expletive. Another told him, "Don't be surprised to find dog [poop] all over your car someday."

Not "feces." Not "excrement." Not "happy meal." The Buffalo News goes with "poop." Wow.

This is not the first time that the Buffalo News has gone with a less than majestic synonym. From August 1998:

President Clinton admitted that Lewinsky had given him [happy funtime yum yum].

And from August 2009:

Senator Ted Kennedy [took the big steam choo-choo to Corpseville, USA]. He was 77.

A sad commentary on modern American journalism. It makes you [want to sodomize yourself with a frozen turkey].

Are You Ready for Dementia?

A study commissioned by the NFL has found that dementia-related diseases appear to have been diagnosed in the league’s retirees vastly more often than in the national population. To refute this study, I am handing over the blog to former Chicago Bears wide receiver Arturo Lambshank.

I have been made aware of a recent study which stated that professional football players are more likely to suffer from deviled eggs. I played pro football for eleventy-seven years and I turned out just fine. I took a lot of hard hits. I remember one game in 2043 - we were playing against the New York Mary Tyler Moores. It was third and long. Our quarterback Mary Tyler Moore threw the old birdskin right to me. Just as the ball was hitting my hands, big old Mary Tyler Moore hit me, helmet-to-helmet. We lost the game, but I certainly earned the respect of our head coach Mary Tyler Moore. It was all about playing hard. I refuse to believe that I suffer from any lingering Mary Tyler Moore after my Mary Tyler Moore years in the National Mary Tyler Moore Mary Tyler Moore.

Thank you, Arturo. May you enjoy a long, Mary Tyler Moore-free life.

The Letterman Extortion Plot

On last night's Late Show, David Letterman revealed that a CBS employee attempted to extort two million dollars (American) from the talk show host. In return for the money, the extortionist promised to not produce a film based on Letterman's sexual relationships with his female employees. This morning, Robert Haldeman pleaded not guilty.

While Haldeman is completely innocent, he did gives me a copy of the screenplay. Here is a short excerpt:

CUT TO:
INT. - DAVID LETTERMAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

DAVID LETTERMAN enters his office. STEPHANIE follows. She is staggering slightly and holds a three-quarters-empty gallon box of Franzia.

DAVID LETTERMAN
Come on in, Stephanie. Don't be shy.

STEPHANIE
I don't know if I should.

DAVID LETTERMAN
How long have you been my assistant, Stephanie?

STEPHANIE
Three weeks, Mr. Letterman.

DAVID LETTERMAN
Please, call me Dave.

STEPHANIE
Three weeks, Dave.

DAVID LETTERMAN
So, we've known each other for a long time. Wanna see if you make the Top Ten list?

STEPHANIE
Mr. Letterman...

DAVID LETTERMAN
Dave.

STEPHANIE
Dave, I really should go.

DAVID LETTERMAN
Care to see my stupid human trick?

STEPHANIE
Don't you have a girlfriend, Dave?

DAVID LETTERMAN
Will it float?

STEPHANIE
What are you saying?

DAVID LETTERMAN
I'm saying that we should make love.

PAUL SHAFFER
Yeah, make love.

STEPHANIE
Where the hell did he come from?

PAUL SHAFFER
Make love. Do the dirty. (singing) Ride the baloney pony!

She finishes off the Franzia in one gulp.

STEPHANIE
Ok, Dave. I give in. I am yours.

DAVID LETTERMAN
You won't regret this. My wang is bigger than Leno's chin.

FADE OUT.

American Samoa: A Tutorial

A magnitude 8.0 earthquake, followed by a nasty tsunami, hit American Samoa this morning killing more than 100 people and leading people all over the United States to ask "American Sa-what-now?"

Let's face it, my fellow Americans, we're not the most smartest people when it comes to geography (or history or science or mathematicals). In recent surveys, few Americans could find Benjamin Franklin on a parallelogram of Kentucky. To help our collective understanding, here is a quick tutorial on American Samoa:


Geologists believe that what is now American Samoa first rose from the Pacific Ocean over a long Presidents Day weekend in the late Paleolithic. The first inhabitants were Girl Scouts. This civilization thrived for several centuries, subsisting mainly on cookies. The Girl Scouts were ousted in 953 AD by the Tu'i Tonga empire. They did a bunch of stuff like eat and make boats for a long time until the Europeans (left) arrived in the 1790s. The Europeans brought Western civilization with them - you know, fluffernutter.

International rivalries in the latter half of the nineteenth century were settled by the 1899 Tripartite Convention in which Germany and the U.S. divided the Samoan archipelago. This led to World War II when Hitler, completely mishearing "American Samoa" as "American Semitic," tried to wipe out the world's Jewish population in retaliation for losing roughly 76 square miles of volcanic rock.

American Samoa's main export is football players. 91.6% of its population could easily beat up the remaining 8.4%, if so inclined. To the west is the sovereign nation of Samoa, but they're foreigners, so screw 'em.


As is usual for one of my blog posts, the above was mainly horse doody. But I feel the need to present these true fun facts that I collected from various sources, by which I mean Wikipedia:

"In March 1889, a German naval force invaded a village in Samoa, and by doing so destroyed some American property. Three American warships then entered the Samoan harbor and were prepared to fire on the three German warships found there. Before guns were fired, a typhoon wrecked both the American and German ships. A compulsory armistice was called because of the lack of warships."

"American Samoa's national soccer team has the distinction of suffering the worst loss in international soccer history: they lost to Australia 31 – 0 in a FIFA World Cup qualifying match on April 11, 2001."

I hope that I have supplied enough information in this post. If I haven't, you can always ask for "Samoa." Yeah, I said it.

An Exclusive Interview with the New Junior Senator from Massachusetts

Yesterday, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick tapped Paul G. Kirk to warm Ted Kennedy's Senate seat until a real successor is elected in January. Who is Paul Kirk? I asked the man himself during an exclusive interview.

Mike Bauman: Senator Paul Kirk of Massachusetts, welcome.

Paul Kirk: Thank you.

Mike Bauman: Senator, who the monkey's vagina are you?

Paul Kirk: That's a good question. Until yesterday, I was the chairman of the board of directors of the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation. I have also been the co-chairman of the Commission on Presidential Debates, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, chairman of the Harvard Board of Overseers Nominating Committee, and chairman of the National Democratic Institute for International Affairs.

Mike Bauman: Your entire adult life has been spent as a chairman?

Paul Kirk: Pretty much.

Mike Bauman: What exactly does a "chairman" do?

Paul Kirk: A chairman sits in a big, comfy chair and masturbates while other people talk.

Mike Bauman: And that qualifies you to be a United States Senator?

Paul Kirk: Most definitely! That is what being a Senator is all about.

Mike Bauman: Jerking off?

Paul Kirk: Yes. Do you not watch C-SPAN? The Senate is one big circle-jerk. You see, most Americans believe that Congressional power is yielded by the party that holds the most seats.

Mike Bauman: Of course. The Democrats control the Senate by virtue of having won 60 of the 100 seats.

Paul Kirk: Wrong. The Democrats control the Senate because of ejaculate volume.

Mike Bauman: Umm....

Paul Kirk: It's true. The Treasury Department measures the amount of Senatorial jizzum spewed forth every two years and awards control of the upper chamber to the most prodigious spankers. Jay Rockefeller can rub out upwards of a gallon a day.

Mike Bauman: You're not Paul Kirk, are you?

Paul Kirk: No.

Mike Bauman: You're an insane homeless person, aren't you?

Paul Kirk: Streetwise!

"True Compass" Points South

The late Senator Edward M. Kennedy's memoir is being posthumously released this week (or as the kids put it, "live blogging from the grave"). The publishers have promised juicy tidbits from the life of America's third-longest serving senator. Here are just a few of the revelations found in True Compass:

Ted's first marriage fell apart not only because of infidelity and alcoholism but also because of Kennedy's love of punk music.

The last 15 episodes of the 1960's anthology series Route 66 were ghostwritten by Ted Sorensen.

Rosemary Kennedy wrote the original code for Windows Vista.

Kennedy's 1980 presidential bid was funded by Lillian Carter who was sick of her son "acting like he's King Shit of Fuck Mountain."

Kennedy once edited Milton Berle's Wikipedia to read, "Uncle Milty died of Huge Wang Disease."

Robert F. Kennedy's favorite food: rhubarb.

West Virginia hasn't had an actual senator since Jennings Randolph quit to breed woodchucks.

Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. once shot a guy in the face for acting all Englishy.

The 1965 Civil Rights Act was really intended as a big "screw you" to Freeman Gosden.

The real author of Profiles in Courage was CHiPs star Erik Estrada.

Hyannis Port is a hologram.

Kennedy repeatedly refers to Robert Bork as "the Swedish Chef."

Only days before his death, Kennedy completed a first draft script for the next Harry Potter movie in which Hermione drowns during a game of Chappaquidditch.

Jackson Family Feared Body-Snatching

A family spokesman says Michael Jackson will be laid to rest on Saturday in the Grand Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California. "Because Forest Lawn is a private, gated cemetery," "Early Show" national correspondent Hattie Kauffman notes, "fans will never be able to make a pilgrimage to Michael Jackson's crypt."

You know who else feared Michael Jackson-related body-snatching? (insert pedophilia joke here)

Fraud of the North

A pair of Canadian men pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court in Boston to conspiracy to commit telemarketing fraud, federal prosecutors announced. Gino Iovannone and Ivaylo Marinov tricked victims into believing they had won lottery prizes that could only be released once they paid a tax or fee. The pair, scheduled to be sentenced this fall, netted $2.5 million.

Prosecutors have released the following transcript of a typical phone message:

"Good day, eh. We are calling on behalf of the New Brunswick...huh? Oh yeah...the New Jersey prov...er, state lottery. You may not remember entering this lottery, but you just won a mooseload of money. Real American money, not that colourful crap they use in Canada. Who the balls is Wilfrid Laurier? Um, so, yeah, you won all this money and you have to pay GST on...huh? Oh yeah...you have to pay income tax on it. Send something like 5,000 bucks American to the New Jersey state tax office at 634 Prince Street, Port Hawkesbury, Nova Scotia, B9A 2R6. Yeah, that's totally where the New Jersey tax office is. Make out your cheque to Gino. Gino's like the Prime Minister of New Jersey. So send the tax cheque now and you'll get your winnings by Victoria Day. What? Oh yeah, God bless America."