What Kind of Country Elects a TV Celebrity?

Ukraine held the first round of its presidential election on Sunday. President Petro Poroshenko came in second. Third place went to former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. The winner was comedian/actor Volodymyr Zelensky. Much of the world seems put off. Here in the United States, we're impressed that a country's television-star-turned-President can be one with talent.

Zelensky is the star of the sitcom "Servant of the People," in which he plays a history teacher who accidentally becomes President of Ukraine. Lest you think this kind of life-imitating-art is
unprecedented in politics, don't forget that Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) starred in a series of MySpace.com videos filmed in his basement in which he played a loud, unkempt asshole who accidentally becomes a United States Congressman.

President Poroshenko is rather annoyed about the huge amount of free exposure Zelensky has received during the campaign. One of Zelensky's closest associates is Ihor Kolomoisky who owns 1+1, the channel that airs "Servant of the People." The network has been airing a considerable amount of Zelensky material, including the third series of the sitcom and a song-and-dance special right before the election.

Television saturation of this type during an election should worry Americans. If this trend continues, January 20, 2021, will see the United States inaugurate President Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

While Poroshenko, Tymoshenko, and the other 40 candidates won votes in specific bits of the country, Zelensky garnered votes throughout the nation. He is especially popular with those fed up with systemic corruption and dysfunction. A TV star promising to clean up the capital? That's going great in the USA. What's Ukrainian for "drain the swamp"? (Google translate says "zlyyte boloto" and it wrong never is.)

After the April 21st runoff, Ukraine could have a 41-year-old actor with absolutely no experience as President, or, as Vladimir Putin pronounces it, "breakfast."

Ted Cruz on Behalf of Ted Cruz

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is suing the Federal Election Commission because rich dudes running for office should't have to sacrifice a damn thing in pursuit of power.

Cruz is suing over the bit of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act which states that if a candidate makes a big showy deal out of giving his own personal money to his campaign, it shouldn't actually cost him any of his own personal money.

The Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (BCRA for short)(B for even shorter) imposes a $250,000 cap on post-election fundraising to reimburse the candidate for personal cash or loans given to the campaign. Cruz gave his 2018 Senate campaign against Beto O'Rourke $260,000. That's a difference, as Donald Trump's doctors will tell you, of 239 lbs.

Cruz's lawsuit argues the reimbursement limit violates the Constitution, screeching, "The First Amendment commands that 'Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech.'" Because spending money is a form of speech. Or, as Republican political theorists put it, "My Mercedes is louder than your Toyota Yaris."

To Cruz's credit, his contention that money equals speech is consistent. I once asked the Senator how he was doing and he responded by throwing a twenty in my face. I think that meant, "I'm good, thank you!"

This lawsuit is an important moment is American legal history. For once, someone is standing up for the big guy. For too long, the upper classes of our great nation have had their voices ignored. Ted Cruz says "ENOUGH! All U.S. citizens deserve a voice, whether they be rich, wealthy, affluent, or merely loaded."

I beg the courts to allow Senator Cruz to have his $10,000 back. He needs it to buy soup. And accidental porn.

And stamps.