On Monday, the Obama White House released its proposed 2013 budget. In case you missed it, or read the edited version on the White House website, here's the actual text of the introductory message:
THE BUDGET MESSAGE OF THE PRESIDENT
To the Congress of the United States:
America was built on the idea that anyone who is willing to work hard and play by the rules, can
make it if they try—no matter where they started out, even if they really have no clue where they started out. Mitt Romney thinks being the son of a wealthy auto company executive qualifies as starting at the bottom. That idiot was born on the 101st floor of the Sears Tower and thinks it's a great American success story because he climbed to the top. But I digress.
Today, America is still home to the world’s best universities, most productive workers, and most
innovative companies. As President of the United States, I have to say that, but we all know that I'm really talking about China. Those Chinese kids can, in their sleep, do math that Americans can't do with a calculator and the answer in front of them. And we've all recently heard how many iPads Chinese workers can crank out in an hour, even while the plant is exploding. Also, China has the most innovative companies - ours.
Long before this recession hit, there was a widespread feeling that hard work had stopped paying
off; that fewer and fewer of those who contributed to the success of our economy actually benefited
from that success. I blame Reagan. Those at the very top grew wealthier while everyone else struggled with paychecks that did not keep up with the rising cost of everything from college tuition to groceries. I blame Bush.
Then, in the middle of 2008, the house of cards collapsed. Bush's fault. Too many mortgages had been sold to people who could not afford—or even understand—them. Clinton did that, but I'll blame Bush. Banks had packaged too many risky loans into securities and then sold them to investors who were misled or misinformed about the risks. Once again, Clinton, but I'll assign it to Bush.
In the end, this growing debt and irresponsibility helped trigger the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Combined with new tax cuts and new mandatory programs that had never been paid for, it threw our country into a deep fiscal hole. Ok, that was totally Bush. There's no way anyone can spin that as not being all W's doing.
Today, we are seeing signs that our economy is on the mend. That's because of me, Barack Obama, your 44th President of the United States. Oh yes.
We built this Budget around the idea that our country has always done best when everyone gets a fair shot, everyone does their fair share, and everyone plays by the same rules. Also, on rock and roll.
The way to rebuild our economy and strengthen the middle class is to make sure that everyone
in America gets a fair shot at success. To succeed and thrive in the global, high-tech economy, we need America to be a place with the highest-skilled, highest-educated workers. Therefore, this budget is mostly funds for bringing all of India to Indiana.
We have taken many steps to re-establish fiscal responsibility, like instituting paygo, cutting duplicative programs, and making Rahm Emanuel pay into a swear jar. We enacted the Affordable Care Act, which will not only provide Americans with more affordable choices and freedom from insurance company abuses, but will also reduce our budget deficits by more than $1 trillion over the next two decades and, more importantly, makes Rush Limbaugh uncontrollably shit himself on a daily basis. The sweet smell of success!
In the year ahead, I will continue to pursue policies that will shore up our economy and our fiscal situation. Like not building a moon colony. Really, Newt? A moon colony? What a horrible idea, made worse by the fact that he'll probably leave it for a younger moon. Uh-huh, I went there. Anyway, this Budget contains a number of steps to put us on a fiscally sustainable path.
First, this Budget implements the tight discretionary spending caps that I signed into law in the Budget Control Act of 2011. Allow me to spell that out for Republicans: s-p-e-n-d-i-n-g c-a-p-s. Not used to those, are you? "Hey, you know how we should celebrate a huge tax cut? Let's increase spending! How about a war or two? It won't be a problem. Frank Luntz will find a way for us to blame Democrats." Assholes.
Second, this Budget begins the process of implementing my new defense strategy that reconfigures our force to meet the challenges of the coming decade. The largest savings will come from eliminating the complimentary decorative vessels into which Republicans masturbate whenever they think about war, even though they have no freaking clue about what war is because, although they desperately wanted to serve their country, they were saddled with those onerous student deferments. Not that I refer to anyone specifically, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Paul Wolfowitz, Mitt Romney, Denny Hastert, and Karl Rove.
Third, I believe that in our country, everyone must shoulder their fair share—especially those who have benefited the most from our economy. Instead of writing out this paragraph, just imagine me saying "Warren Buffett" and "Warren Buffett's secretary" about 17 times.
Finally, to address other looming, long-term challenges to our fiscal health, I have put forward a wide range of mandatory savings. These include reductions in agricultural subsidies, termination of Joe Biden's membership in the Hair Club for Men, reforms to the Postal Service, and higher admission fees for Virginia Foxx's "Annual Punch a Washington Gay in the Face Day."
We also know that education and lifelong learning will be critical for anyone trying to compete for the jobs of the future. That's why I ask The Learning Channel to stop producing the Sarah Palin reality series and show a fucking documentary once in a while. Same goes for you, History Channel - "What if Hitler Had Brunch with Bigfoot" is not a documentary.
This Budget reflects the importance of safeguarding our environment while strengthening our economy. We do not have to choose between having clean air and clean water and growing the economy. However, we do have to choose between American Idol and The Voice. America cannot sustain both.
Moreover, this Budget continues my Administration’s commitment to developing America’s diverse, clean sources of energy. The Budget eliminates unwarranted tax breaks for oil companies and, instead, gives them to oil companies. See what I did there?
These proposals will take us a long way towards strengthening the middle class and giving families the sense of security they have been missing for too long. But in the end, building an economy that works for everyone will require all of us to take responsibility. Yes, even you, rich white guys.
Understanding and honoring the obligations we have to ourselves and each other is what has made this country great. We look out for each other, pull together, and do our part. Or, as Sean Hannity would say, "homo communism."
This Budget is a step in the right direction. And I hope it will help serve as a roadmap for how we can grow the economy, create jobs, and give Americans everywhere the security they deserve.
Not that any of the above mattered since Senate Majority Leader Harry "I'm a Big Friggin' Pussy" Reid has already said that he won't put any of this to a vote because he doesn't want Democrats to have to run on it in 2012. "If Democrats don't do anything, Republicans can't attack our record." Great strategy, doucheface. Get your thumb out of your butt and do something for once. Schumer's waiting, buddy.
Barack Obama
The White House
February 13, 2012.
0 comments:
Post a Comment